C. A. Reiser, M.S.

Everyone copes with the loss of their baby differently. Some parents may join a support group to learn from the experience of parents who also have "been there". Keeping a private journal provides solace to others. And still others may create through sculpture, needlework, gardening — the works giving action to their grief. Music is yet another form of expression that may be helpful, although not many of us have the talent Beth Nielsen Chapman displays on her recent CD, Sand and Water, a compilation of songs written by Chapman that chronicle her grief following the death of her husband from cancer in 1994. The title song, "Sand and Water" may be familiar, as it has received frequent air time. The CD also includes guest artists Michael MacDonald ("Seven Shades of Blue") and Bonnie Raitt ("Heads Up for the Wrecking Ball").

Chapman says, "The songs on this album reflect many stages of grief and healing for me. . . . I hope this music will touch a chord with others who have lost a loved one." She writes of profound sorrow, the long struggle towards healing, and again starting to feel joy. Parents may want to listen to the music as a way of remembering and coping, or may find a song appropriate for inclusion in a memorial service. The grief she writes and sings about can be understood by all who mourn, whether the loved one lost is a baby or an adult.

Moe, Thomas, D.Min., Pastoral Care in Pregnancy Loss, Haworth Pastoral Press, 1997.

Thomas Moe, an ordained Methodist minister, experienced the birth and death of a son in July, 1980. He received his Doctor of Ministry degree from Bethel Theological Seminary in 1993, following completion of a thesis "Ministry to Families Suffering From Loss Due to Miscarriage, Stillbirth or Neonatal Death."

This book begins with an all too familiar explanation of why clergy may appear insensitive to their parishioners who have suffered a pregnancy loss. Moe believes the reason is two-fold — the church is unaware of the statistical magnitude of the problem, and that the death of a baby is not a rare occurrence; secondly, the church doesn’t understand that the loss is real and a parent’s grief is valid (despite theologic precedent that this is a legitimate grief). Moe believes and parents expect that one’s faith community is an appropriate place to seek support. This book is an effort to provide churches and other faith communities with the necessary information "to understand those who have experienced grief from pregnancy loss and learn means of effective ministry to them."

To its credit the book begins with accurate definitions of different kinds of losses and other fact-based information. Other background information includes the attitudes of different religions towards the unborn, grief patterns in general and patterns specific to pregnancy loss, and the meaning of a child in a family. The background information is presented from a theologic perspective, i.e. as grief relates to spiritual values and beliefs. Seven case studies, from Moe’s doctoral work, are also presented that help provide a framework from which pastoral issues can be identified.

My generally positive review of this book must note a deficiency in one area, namely the lack of medical background information. Pastor Moe otherwise does such an excellent job of providing background information that this deficiency is all the more apparent. Nonetheless, this is a wonderful and practical resource. In general, I found it to be thorough and complete, with very few topics untouched. Certainly, it should be on the shelf of every clergy person, and can also benefit those of us who are not clergy, since it can give us insights into the needs of families who are seeking support from their faith community.

Golden, Thomas R., LCSW, Swallowed By A Snake - The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing, Golden Healing Publishing, Kensington, Maryland, 1996.

The premise of Swallowed by A Snake is that healing has both a masculine and feminine side. And while both genders have access to both sides, men primarily employ the masculine side of healing, and women the feminine side. The feminine side of healing is described as the more traditionally accepted mode of verbal and emotional expression. Men tend toward action, creative efforts to acknowledge and honor grief, as a primary mode. The author, a licensed clinical social worker, supports his theory for a male tendency to grieve through task by a critical examination of the cross cultural literature. The book contains many fascinating and insightful stories and examples of grieving rituals through time and among diverse cultures. It is pointed out that the need for rituals, in a broad sense, is a source of conflict in our modern society because while grieving and rules for grieving were once very well defined, this is no longer the case. Problems also can arise because traditional therapy interventions are designed for women, since women are the more frequent therapy clients. The action oriented masculine mode may be seen as pathologic and 'not really healing' even by mental health professionals.

The cultural framework and historical perspective make for an interesting and easy read. It all seems to make sense, without judgement, that there are other acceptable ways to grieve besides tears. The goals set forth in the introduction were, for a man, "a book that honours the uniqueness of a man’s path toward healing" and, for a woman, "gaining a deeper understanding of the men in her life."

For this woman, Golden succeeded.

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