GUEST CORNER

Contributions for our newsletter's guest column this season are from The Rev. Dr. Richard B. Gilbert, BCC, Executive Director of The World Pastoral Care Center in Valparaiso, Indiana, and from a local Wisconsin chapter of the national perinatal bereavement group SHARE.

Rev. Dr. Gilbert shares his ABC's of holiday survival for those who are grieving at this special time of year. And the SHARE group gives us the personal stories of two different couples who were able to find comfort and support from their contact with SHARE [this article is reprinted here from the St. Vincent Hospital Health Review magazine, with their kind permission].

Surviving the holidays, 1999

Rev. Dr. Richard B. Gilbert

This is not a holiday season to look forward to, at least from my viewpoint. This endless hysteria about Y2K, and some really oppressive things stated and done in the name of religion, leave me even less interested in all of the fuss.

For many people, this millennium fuss serves only to make the holidays and special days even more despairing. For the bereaved, the holidays and special days serve only to remind us of what was, but no longer can be, of people gone, dreams ended and rituals, how we “do” the holidays, left empty. Any reason to work up interest or excitement about the festive days that everyone around us celebrates, disappears as the calendar and the sounds in the stores draw us closer to the events.

This article is for the bereaved, and hopefully some reminders for those who care for them, about taking care of yourselves. Maybe you can even grab a few parts of the holidays, a drumstick here, a recipe there, a special card or ornament, and glimpse a new sense of hope and life. Here are the building blocks not just for survival, but celebration.

Are new possibilities in your life? The journey through grief is not always kind. People isolate us, socially and emotionally. For a time we can only experience what is “not” available to us. That is not unusual. Sometimes we have to shut down before we can risk opening up.

It may seem harsh to think of new possibilities at this time. We are not speaking all that globally. It may only be that we are open to the possibility of hope, that we will be open to reading a book, attending a group or sharing with a friend. Maybe now we will begun to risk sharing feelings that, for a while, were best kept (by our assessment) secret.

Second, be attentive to all of your needs. Yes, grief is about feelings, but it is also about rest, about eating right, getting through another day at work, and finding a quiet place to think, reflect, weep, laugh or just tune everything out. Be good to yourself. Do healthy things. Grief is healthy; it is part of life. It can be very demanding as you work with it. The holidays can be equally demanding. Set healthy limits on what you expect from yourself, and keep your boundaries loud and clear with those who ask of you during these special days. Even when they mean well, it may just be more than you can take on right now. Remember, if you do not pay attention to yourself, who will?

Connect to your inner resources. Grief has us going to the well of our beliefs and values in ways that may be very new to us. Because grief is a journey through uncharted waters, sometimes our beliefs seem to be falling behind. Words and rituals bounce off of us like everything else . . . soon we feel very empty. The connections are there. Seek them out. If the old rituals, prayers or books have been silent, maybe today they will have a new word for you. Look around. There may be other resources that you can make your own. It is never an offense to God (or your beliefs) to look in different places, explore different options or wonder about it all. Doubt is never an offense to belief. Seek a religious leader to talk with. If your minister isn’t helping, there are others. Your local hospice can recommend someone to you or contact the chaplain at your hospital. Your inner strength is the strength that will lead you to healing. The holidays are packed with religious themes and symbols. Pick and choose. It is your holiday, too.

Decide what parts of the holidays you will use. Set some specific limits. You may not be able to do everything as you did before and you don’t have to. Maybe this year you won’t send cards or maybe send some carefully picked cards with special messages or remembrances about your loved one. If you can’t do all of the decorations or cook all of your favorite recipes, arrange your decorations in a new way or a different room. Eat out or with a friend. Don’t worry if suddenly you swell up with tears or want to rage at the people who are celebrating when you believe your reason to celebrate is gone. You won’t embarrass yourself. Your friends will understand your need to release these feelings even if they don’t understand what you are going through. Other people’s opinions won’t matter. The holidays (and the trappings) do not have to be an obligation. They can be a gift. It is your decision.

Evaluate daily, or by the moment. Respect what you are feeling and your perceptions and instincts. Call “time outs”, with your friends, with the expectations you place on yourself, with the holiday chores and customs. Ask yourself, “Is this what I need to be doing now?” Remember that it is all about that moment. It may not fit today, but could be perfect tomorrow. Tuck it away. Search for what you need now.

Before this loss you had many traditions and goals you couldn’t begin to keep up with. You always let things drop off the list. Let go of what you must, grab hold of what will help, create what has been missing so that it is there for you. Just keep checking in with yourself.

The holidays are really intended to be about love, hope and peace. We seem to take those words for granted until we fear they are missing. You will survive and maybe grow. There will be some disruptions, maybe some hurts, but also many expressions of comfort and care. May this be a time of blessing and hope for you and those nearest you on your journey.

For more information, Rev. Dr. Gilbert may be reached at the World Pastoral Care Center, 1504 N. Campbell St., Valparaiso IN 46385-3454, (219) 464-8183, e-mail rgilbert@valpo.edu.