from the lending library

C. A. Reiser, M.S.

Recently I received a phone call from a family in which a member had just learned that their baby would be stillborn. The family knew of our program and wondered what kind of resources were available for the parents of the baby. As we talked it was apparent that the death of this baby was troubling the entire family — cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents were all grieving.

This lending library report is devoted to a special group of people, who may be a bereaved parent's primary support while also themselves acutely grieving a loss — the bereaved grandparrents.

GRANDPARENT SPECIFIC RESOURCES

Gerner, Margaret H., For Bereaved Grandparents, Centering Corporation, Omaha, Nebraska, 1990. (30 pp, $3.50)

While not stillbirth-specific, For Bereaved Grandparents is the most comprehensive of those resources included here. The text contains a discussion of manifestations of a grandparent's grief, and the information needed to understand an adult child's grief, to help their child and themselves. There is a practical section on what grandparents can do and a particularly thoughtful section on how to listen, described as the best gift of all. There are also discussions on holidays, sexual intimacy, grandparents who are also legal guardians, subsequent grandchildren, and a grandfather's grief.

Herself a bereaved grandparent, whose three year old granddaughter died, Ms. Gerner had also experienced the death of a six year old son, and understood from her own tragic loss earlier in life the grief her daughter and son-in-law faced. Her sensitivity and insight are apparent in this well written and thorough resource.

Gunderson, Jean Harris and Donna Meakins Gunderson, Quietus—A Story of Stillbirth, Centering Corporation, Omaha, Nebraska, 1990. (16 pp, $2.85)

Quietus is a personal account of one family's experience with stillbirth. The story is told from two perspectives — the bereaved mother's and the bereaved grandmother's. Both share their thoughts, feelings, and the things they did together and alone that helped them in grief. Especially poignant is the telling of the sensitive suggestion from a nurse for the grandmother to accompany her adult child to her bath and allow her daughter to cry with the flow of the water as she herself cried at her inability to wash away the pain for her daughter.

RTS Bereavement Services, La Crosse Lutheran Hospital, The Grief of Grandparents, La Crosse, Wisconsin, revised 1994. (6 pp, $2.25)

Written as if speaking to a newly bereaved grandparent, this resource covers the stages of grief, the normalcy of one's feelings, and what grandparents can do to help their adult child. Heavily sprinkled with quotes from bereaved parents and grandparents, perhaps the final comment is one of the most helpful, "Try to keep room in your heart for the infant who has died, even as new ones are born."

Isle, Sherokee and Lori Leininger, Grieving Grandparents, Wintergreen Press, Maple Grove, MN, revised 1994. (12 pp, $2.50)

Grieving Grandparents provides help and guidance to grandparents as they experience their loss and try to comfort their children. It does this by encouraging communication, explaining the adult child's grief and needs, p roviding specific coping tips and giving examples of comments that might be helpful (and those that might not be). The subject of a subsequent pregnancy is also addressed. This booklet is specific to miscarriage, stillbirth and infant death. A concise 12 pages only in length, it is quite thorough and complete.

GENERAL STILLBIRTH BEREAVEMENT RESOURCES THAT DEVOTE A CHAPTER TO GRANDPARENTS (books will be reviewed in total in future issues)

Borg, Susan and Judith Lasker, When Pregnancy Fails, Bantam Books, New York, NY, revised 1989. (298 pp, $8.95)

As part of a larger text, the grandparents chapter in When Pregnancy Fails mainly discusses grandparents' emotions and needs. Other important information is presented elsewhere in the book. While most resources presented here mention a grandparent's guilt over real or imagined genetic processes implicated in the stillbirth, this chapter refers to a genetics counselor as a resource (adds a star in my scoring system!).

Davis, Deborah PhD, Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby, Fulcrum Publishers, Golden, CO, 1991. (229 pp, $ 12.95)

There is no specific chapter in this book about a grandparent's grief; rather a little over two pages are devoted to the topic within the chapter 'The Effects of Your Baby's Death on Your Family'. Since the text is written primarily for the bereaved parents, these few pages serve to help them understand what their parents are experiencing and how that may affect their parents' ability to be supportive and nurturing. While this book in total has much to recommend it, because of the limited space devoted solely to this topic and its orientation for parents, it would not be my first recommendation to newly bereaved grandparents for themselves.

Kohn, Ingrid MSW and Perry-Lynn Moffitt, A Silent Sorrow—Pregnancy Loss, Dell Publishing, New York, NY, 1993. (438 pp, $12.00)

A Silent Sorrow is written for the bereaved parents; however, there is a 12 page chapter that speaks directly to the bereaved grandparents. Of all chapters in these more general resources dedicated to this topic, this is the most thorough. By helping grandparents understand their grief in the context of how they were raised to come to terms with death and their role as parents, this section allows them to feel their way gently, not ignoring their needs and yet supporting their adult child. Special comments on guilt, family celebrations and holidays, and pregnancy after a loss, are inccluded.