from the lending library

C. A. Reiser, M.S.

Bereavement resources are available to us in a variety of formats. Some of the formats reviewed in previous ‘Lending Libraries’ include different genres of the traditional written word, Internet web sites, catalogue services, and support groups. While many videotapes exist that may be helpful in your work as caregivers for bereaved parents, the quality of two recent additions far exceeds most other available tapes. We would like to share these with you here.

At a Loss for Words (30 minutes)
Bereavement consultant and trainer Sherokee Ilse, herself a bereaved parent, says that after the stillbirth of her son Brennan, while many friends and relatives acknowledged his birth and death, many did not. She has come to believe that for those who did not, it was "...not because they didn’t care but because they didn’t know what to say. ...They were afraid they would make our pain worse." Caregivers also share this fear. What needs to be understood by all who meet a bereaved parent is that by saying or doing nothing, we add to a parent’s pain, exactly what we are trying to avoid. At a Loss for Words is a wonderful resource in this regard, with much to commend it that can help caregivers, families and friends feel better equipped to offer comfort to a grieving person without having to be afraid of saying or doing the "wrong" thing. The images in the video are lovely, and the tape quality is quite impressive. Information is presented with clear, logical organization, and the examples given are very concrete, without sounding like textbook formulas. The guidance and advice come from articulate, well spoken parents as well as nationally recognized experts (including Cathi Lammert, Executive Director of SHARE Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support, Inc., and bereavement consultant Sherokee Ilse).

Of all the videotapes I have had the opportunity to review, At a Loss for Words is the most complete. It includes wonderfully sensitive segments on grandparents and surviving children; fathers are given deserved attention; and at least mention is made of single moms. At 30 minutes in length, it is short enough to include in most inservice settings. This is a must-see video for any hospital personnel who may come in contact with the parent of a stillborn baby, from nurses, doctors, and clergy to lab workers, food service and clerical staff. While the message the tape shares is not new — to acknowledge the baby, and the parents’ grief — the concrete help that is offered to those who want to help, is.

Footprints On Our Hearts (60 minutes)
This is a film dedicated to mothers and fathers who have suffered the deep agony of losing a baby. As with At A Loss for Words, it is a beautiful, well thought out, quite complete resource. Bereaved parents speak to the viewer about their feelings and what helped them through this grief filled time. Importantly, there is diversity among those who were chosen to be a part of this video, including fathers, and Caucasian, black and Hispanic parents — impressing upon the viewer that all of us can potentially be touched by this tragedy.

The emphasis placed on creating memories with their baby makes this a valuable resource to share with parents when the diagnosis of demise is made, or shortly after delivery. It would be a lovely gift of comfort to sit with a family while they watched part or all of this video that shares much needed information. It is also stressed that it is never too late for parents to make memories, if those opportunities were not provided or acted upon while the baby was with them. (We hope to devote a future guest article to this topic.)

Both videos are available through: Paraclete Press, PO Box 1568, Orleans, MA 02653; 1-800-451-5006; for $79.95 each (set of two $149.95). They will be available for loan through the University of Wisconsin Clinical Sciences Center Audiovisual Department; however, hospitals with the resources to purchase these videos should consider this a worthwhile expenditure.

As the holidays approach, here are special resources you may wish to share with grieving parents you know:

•The National SHARE Office offers a pewter ornament which is a snowflake made entirely of hearts ($12.00 each, plus postage and handling). For further information contact SHARE Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support, Inc., National Office, St. Joseph Health Center, 300 First Capitol Dr., St. Charles, MO 63301; 314-947-6164, FAX 314-947-7486. [Prepaid orders must be received by December 9th to insure delivery by December 25th.]

•SHARE together with Cheryl Terbush are offering Holiday Greeting Cards as a fundraiser. The cards were designed by a bereaved parent and are suitable for support groups, bereaved parents, hospitals, funeral homes and anyone wishing to remember a loved one (Box of 20 cards @ $14.00 plus postage and handling). Ordering information can be obtained from Cheryl Terbush, 106 Gardner Lane, Clarks Summit, PA 18411.

•The Perinatal Loss Center in Oregon also offers an ornament choice, of six different porcelain angels ($3.00 each, plus postage and handling). In addition, Holiday greeting cards, that can help bereaved parents carry important messages to their friends and acquaintances, are available (Box of 20 cards @ $25.00 plus postage and handling). Orders should be sent to Perinatal Loss, 2116 N.E. 18th Ave., Portland, OR 97212, FAX 503-282-8985 (orders must be received by December 10th for mailing by December 15th).