from the lending library

C. A. Reiser, M.S.

When working with bereaved parents, we can offer anticipatory guidance about moments or situations that may be found to be especially difficult. The approaching holiday season can be such a time, with many ‘triggers’ for renewed or intensified grieving.

While we cannot make these days pass as if parents’ loss has not occurred, perhaps we can suggest some ways that may help them to proceed through this season with strength and some measure of comfort. Accordingly, some may find the following resources useful for such guidance.

Ilse, Sherokee, Coping With Holidays and Celebrations. DeRuyter Publications, St. Paul, Minnesota, 1993.

Another wonderful booklet by Sherokee Ilse! This eight page booklet shares pages of practical ideas for coping with holidays and celebrations. The importance of planning ahead and giving serious thought to what one can really handle at this time and what might be left undone are discussed. While traditions are intertwined in all our celebrations, we need to be open to change since the usual festivities may be too painful a reminder of one’s loss.

Sherokee does remind us, however, that tradition can be a source of security as well. One beautiful suggestion on how to keep the spirit of a stillborn child with a family and keep old traditions close is to light a candle during the festivities in memory of the baby. Setting a note nearby the candle to explain its significance is a way to keep a baby’s memory alive in others as well.

This booklet is general enough to be offered to bereaved parents regardless of their religion. Because it is the only resource described here that is specific to pregnancy loss, if only one resource for the holidays can be purchased, this should be it.

Eneroth, Carlene Vester, Getting Past Christmas. Centering Corporation, Omaha, Nebraska.

As its title suggests, this simple four page vignette is devoted to the Christmas holiday. As with the other Centering Corporation vignettes, it includes a lot of information and suggestions in a small format. At 45¢ each it may be possible for a hospital to buy multiple copies to give away as appropriate.

All of the following booklets are general holiday grief resources, meant for anyone who has lost a loved one, and are not pregnancy or infant loss specific. Each does have something special to offer.

Lowery, Missy, Not Just Another Day. Centering Corporation, Omaha, Nebraska, 1993.

If you are looking for a resource that has specific information on guiding surviving children through the holidays, this booklet may be especially helpful. A number of pages are devoted to explaining children’s feelings and behaviors, broken down by age group, with specific suggestions for supporting children during birthdays, holidays and other celebrations.

One Holiday at a Time. Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, Tennessee, 1990.

The unique feature of this booklet is its format, which follows through the year, month by month, highlighting the seasons and holidays in the context of their special meanings to families. It is very inclusive, covering celebrations ranging from those that may be spiritually meaningful, like Yom Kippur and Christmas, to those that may be important for other reasons, like Labor Day and Halloween.

Conley, Bruce, Handling the Holidays. Thum Printing, Elburn, Illinois, 1979.

Although much of this booklet seems geared towards widows and widowers, some space is devoted to bereaved parents. A sample holiday checklist is provided with the aim of helping prioritize the traditional holiday tasks and activities. Christian in its orientation, the booklet is decorated with a Christmas wreath and this holiday occupies most of the inside pages.

Other resources that parents may appreciate:

•The national SHARE Office has a 1995 pewter Christmas ornament available for purchase. The ornament includes a blank nameplate suitable for engraving. (The National SHARE Office, 300 First Capitol Drive, St. Charles, MO 63301: Phone 314-947-6164, FAX 314-947-7486)

•The Perinatal Loss Center in Portland, Oregon, offers holiday greeting cards which contain messages a bereaved parent may want to share with friends and acquaintances. The cards are very nicely done. A note — orders must be received by December 10th for mailing by December 15th. (Perinatal Loss, 2116 NE 18th Ave, Portland, OR 97212)