The WiSSP Resource Library

GENERAL RESOURCES WHICH EMPHASIZE PERSONAL EXPERIENCES AND

COPING STRATEGIES

1.   Healing a Father's Grief, by William Schatz; Medic Publishing, 1984.

    Society has expectations as to how men should behave in certain situations.  These role expectations tend to interfere with grieving. The authors of this pamphlet identify several of these role problems, and offer suggestions on how to overcome them.

2.    Handling the Holidays, by Bruce H. Conley; Thum Printing, Elburn, IL, 1979.

    A practical guide committed to helping bereaved persons cope constructively with the holidays. Includes personal experiences, practical suggestions and a resource list.

3.   The Ultimate Loss--Coping With the Death of a Child, by Joan Bordow; Beaufort Books, Inc., New York/Toronto, 1982.

    Offers case histories and commentaries on the various ways people cope with the death of a child. Professionals and religious teachers share their viewpoints and philosophies. The author, who experienced a stillbirth, tries to share how her life moved forward after her daughter's death. Includes a chapter on support organizations.

4.    Planning a Precious Good-Bye, by Sherokee Ilse, Susan Erling, and Mary Jo Flynn; Pregnancy and Infant Loss Center of MN, 1985.

    A booklet describing funeral and memorial ideas after miscarriage, stillbirth or newborn death.

5.   A Father's Story, by Tim Nelson; Pregnancy and Infant Loss Center of MN

    A pamphlet (eight pages) describing one fathers personal experience after the stillbirth of his daughter.

6.    Recovering From the Loss of a Child, by Katherine Fair Donnelly; MacMillan Publishing Company, New York, 1982.

    Parents of deceased children share their grief experiences and the  things that helped them recover. While a chapter is devoted to the death of babies very little space is directly concerned with stillbirth. The book also includes a detailed directory of helping organizations.

7.   The Bereaved Parent, by Harriet Sarnoff Schiff; Penguin Books, 1983.

    Written by an author who is a bereaved mother herself, this book offers guidelines and practical step-by-step suggestions on how to cope with the many stages of grief. The effects of bereavement on marriage, religion, and communication are addressed.

8.    Butterflies, Grandpa and Me, by Bruce H. Conley, 1976.

    Richie's grandfather dies and he learns that while death is permanent so are memories. The story includes description of peoples reactions to grief, funerals and cemeteries. Can be used as a story, workbook or tool for discussion.

9.   An Ambitious Sort of Grief, by Marion Deutsche Cohen; Ide House, Inc., Mesquite, TX.

    The author's diary of her pregnancy, delivery and grief over the death of her two day old daughter.

10.  Nothing to Cry About, by Barbara J. Berg; Seaview Books, New York, 1981

    Autobiography of one woman's struggle to become a mother after experiencing a miscarriage and a stillbirth, followed by a period of infertility.

11.  Mother Less Child, by Jacquelyn Mitchard; W.W. Norton & Co., New York, 1985.

    An autobiography of a couple's experience with an ectopic pregnancy followed by a struggle with infertility. Painfully honest about the effects on their marriage, relationships with family and friends and plans for the future.

12.  Living When a Loved One Has Died, by Earl A. Grollman; Beacon Press, Boston, 1972.

    A simply written yet comprehensive book which outlines the feelings and emotions people experience after the death of a loved one. Stresses the normality of grief and the growth that can occur.

13.  Before and After My Child Died, by Joseph Fischhoff, MD and Noreen O'Brien Brohl, MSW.; Emmons-Fairfield Publishing Co., Detroit, MI, 1983.

    A collection of parent's experiences before and after their child died.  Told in their own words, it can be one resource to help those who need to know that they are not alone.  The parents who have contributed to this book have lost children in many ways--stillbirth and neonatal death included.

14.  Healing Grief, by Amy Hillyard Jensen; Medic Publishing.

    Written by a woman who lost two children and learned how to share the burden of other bereaved parents and children. This booklet describes the stages of grieving and highlights the elements that are common to most people, offering very practical suggestions and guidelines.

15.  A Gift of Hope. How we Survive our Tragedies, by Robert L. Veninga, Balantine Books, New York, 1985.

    This paperback (311 pages) is a thoughtful philosophy and self-help manual about dealing with tragedy and crisis in life. Documented by numerous case studies, most of which involve death of a close family member, survival strategies are illustrated and some specific advice offered. Stillbirth is only one of many situations mentioned--other crisis topics involve suicide, crippling injuries, cancer, terminal illness, job loss, death of child and spouse. Includes a limited list of resources.

16.    Stillborn: The Invisible Death, by John DeFrain et al., Lexington Books, D.C. Heath & Co., 1986.

    For both parents and professionals, this book is a compilation of interviews and written testimony of over 300 mothers and fathers who have experienced a stillbirth. It describes, mostly in the parent's own words, their thoughts, feelings and actions from the moment they learned of the death through recovery.

17.  Time Remembered: A Journal for Survivors, by Earl A. Grollman; Beacon Press, Boston, 1987.

    While the author presents some thoughts on various aspects of the grieving process, support systems, and recovery following the loss of a loved one, the primary emphasis of this book is on encouraging the reader to write down and express his or her feelings and experiences following a loss. Ample space is provided for recording personal thoughts in diary form as well as for recording practical information useful to survivors (such as phone numbers of professionals, insurance policy information, a checklist for letters of acknowledgement of sympathy cards received, etc.). A brief list of support groups is provided.

18.  Loving Arms Newsletter Collection, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Center of Minnesota.

    Collection of all Loving Arms newsletters from Spring 1985 through 1991.  Published 4 times/year, each newsletter contains information about available resources, a question and answer column and articles about selected topics (e.g., Loss and the Couple, Dreams and Loss, Children and Death). Contact the WiSSP Lending Library for a complete listing.

19.  Self-Care, by Susan Erling, Sherokee Isle, Lori Leininger, and Ronda Winterheiser, 1989; Pregnancy & Infant Loss Center of MN

    This booklet offers suggestions which may provide grieving parents with a guideline for maintaining a balance of health, support, and well being as they mourn the loss of a child.  Studies correlate health in these areas with better adaptation and more rapid adjustment to a loss.  The authors identify and offer detailed suggestions to facilitate self-care in the following areas: support systems, nutrition, exercise, self-esteem, and spirituality.  A list of other suggested readings is included.

20.  A Silent Sorrow: Pregnancy Loss, Guidance and Support for You and Your Family, by Ingrid Kohn, M.S.W. and Perry-Lynn Moffitt, Delta Publishing, New York, 1992.

    This comprehensive guide to pregnancy loss is meant for both parents who have experienced a loss and the professionals who help them. The purpose is to provide support and practical advice, with an emphasis on emotional healing and what can aid psychological recovery. Although the book appears quite lengthy (438 pp), it reads quickly. Four sections include grief, an examination of pregnancy loss, responses of others, and special circumstances. The examination of pregnancy loss is particularly helpful, and includes chapters on early loss, crisis pregnancies, stillborn/newborn death and prenatal diagnosis with a subsequent elective abortion. Each chapter discusses emotional issues, medical procedures, causes, treatment, and the aftermath. Appendices include a nice listing of support services, as well as a guide to rituals that may be performed. This book is a good source to help parents understand what emotional and medical support they need, and can also help professionals provide care.

21.    Remembering With Love: Messages of Hope for the First Year of Grieving and Beyond, Elizabeth Levang, Ph.D. and Sherokee Isle, Deaconess Press, Minneapolis, MN, 1992.

    This book includes nearly 300 entries about a wide range of experiences following the death of a loved one. Each entry includes a quote from a family member, a narrative about the topic and a short validating statement. This book includes experiences with the loss of a child, spouse, pregnancy, and others. A helpful reader's guide is included that lists the specific topics. The entries are grouped according to how long it had been since the loss, ie The Early Days, The Early Weeks, The Uneven Path, The Continuing Journey, etc. The book is not necessarily meant to be read from beginning to end, but may be easy to pick-up form time to time.

22.  The Grief Recovery Handbook: A Step-by-Step Program for Moving Beyond Loss, by John W. James and Frank Cherry; Harper and Row, New York, 1989.

    Written by two grief recovery educators and counselors, the authors shared many personal experiences in order to illustrate a process for recognizing and working through the grieving process. They address many of society's misconceptions about death and dying and give very practical advice about how these might be overcome. Included are many ideas for discussion, introspection, and activities.

23.  The Grieving Child: A Parent's Guide. New York:Simon and Schuster.

    This is a concise, clearly written book by a grief therapist who herself has faced the death of her husband and the grief of her four children. Although the tone of the book is geared toward helping parents help their grieving children, the message is applicable to all ages. Suggestions given by the author can help a parent prepare for the future (which will inevitably include explanations of death and grief strategies) as well as come to terms with personal unresolved grief in their past. A particularly noteworthy feature of the book is the topical arrangement. Should an individual be unable to read the work from cover to cover, or even an entire chapter, valuable information is still readily accessible. The contents are clearly outlined by chapter and topic, with each topic numbered and in bold typeface within the body of the book. The book covers a wide range of subjects from introducing your child to the concept of death, using correct language, children's reactions, and a wonderful sections of funerals, to name only a few. Included at the end of the work is an annotated bibliography of suggested readings for children which can play a role in opening up the difficult subject of death with children.

24.  QUIETUS - A Story of a Stillbirth, by Jean M. Gunderson BSN and Donna E. Harris, ED.D.;Centering Corporation, Omaha, NB, 1990.

    Quietus is defined as the act or fact of dying. The author shares her touching and vivid story of how she lost a child from the perspective of a mother, but also of a public health nurse. The grandmother, the author's mother, also eloquently details her view of what she and her daughter experienced from her grandson's death. The author takes us through her pregnancy to the loss while revealing her strategies for coping.

25.  Journey to Motherhood - One Woman's Story of Triumph Over Miscarriage by Allison Freeland; Prentice Hall Press, 1992.

     Journey to Motherhood is the author's account of how she learned to come to terms with repeated miscarriages. It tells how the author would not give up hope of having a child of her own and was finally successful.

26.  The Grief of Grandparents, RTS Bereavement Services, LaCrosse Lutheran Hospital, 1994.

    This is a small 7 page booklet for grandparents experiencing the loss of a grandchild through stillbirth, miscarriage or neonatal death. Grandparents feel not only the pain of the loss of the grandchild, but they also feel the pain of seeing their own child hurting.  This booklet validates those feelings and also explains the four stages of grief their children may be experiencing. Interspersed throughout the booklet are quotes from grandparents or parents expressing their feelings, adding what was and was not helpful for them during this difficult period.

27.  For Better or Worse by Maribeth Wilder Doerr; Centering Corporation, Omaha, NE, 1992.

    A concise, understandable account of some of the feelings and reactions that accompany the death of a child. The booklet sensitively discusses the differences between male and female grieving and offers valuable practical suggestions for grieving parents.

28.  Healing Together: For Couples Whose Baby Dies by Marce Lister and Sandra Lovell; Centering Corporation, 1991.

    This pamphlet focuses on couples sharing the experience of the death and mourning of a child together. Anticipated emotions for each sex are listed as well as strategies for sharing emotions together.

29.  Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. Surviving the Death of Your Baby by Deborah L. Davis, PhD; Fulcrum Publishing, Golden, CO, 1991.

    A comprehensive book, encouraging grieving and offering suggestions for coping to parents who have lost a baby. Probably most helpful for grieving parents on a section-by-section basis (as needed) rather than cover-to-cover. A useful resource for health care workers.

30.  When the Bough Breaks by David Delgadillo and Peter Davis, Desk Top Creations, 1992.

    A touching and thoughtful collection of writings about infants who died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). Compiled by the San Diego County Guild for Infant Survival, these writings open a window into the hearts and souls of these parents, siblings and grandparents who so welcomed a new child into their family only to experience the loss of that child to SIDS. This book also includes the experiences and feelings of day care providers, emergency and hospital personnel when their lives are touched by the death of a child from SIDS during the course of their professional duties. A description of the SIDS phenomena, possible etiologies, and a summary of research current in 1992 is provided. Chapters including general information on grieving, difficult times to anticipate and plan for (such as anniversaries and special days), things to consider regarding another pregnancy, and addressing common grief reactions of children are very helpful. A list of "do's" and "don'ts" in the final pages of the book are sound guidelines for anyone who has experienced the loss of a loved one.

31.  Goodbye My Child by Sara Rich Wheeler and Margaret M. Pike; Centering Corporation, 1992.

    This is a helpful booklet for families who have lost a child at any age. The focus is on loss and grieving issues, but autopsy, organ donation and funeral planning are also discussed. The personal quotes from parents and family members that fill each section lend a personal and empathic quality to the book.

32.  Single Parent Grief by Sherokee Isle; A Place to Remember, 1994.

    This pamphlet (18 pages) was specifically written for single parents without a steady partner. It discusses the feelings that single parents experience as they grieve the loss of their child, as well as providing helpful hints, resources, and suggestions for places to turn for support.

33.  Coping with Holidays and Celebrations by Sherokee Isle; deRuyter Nelson Publications, Inc., 1993.

    This pamphlet (7 pages) offers suggestions for coping with grief after the loss of a child, which resurfaces or intensifies during holidays and special family events. It explains 39 different approaches that other parents have used to survive the holidays, their child's birthday or anniversary of death, and other family celebrations.

34.    Understanding Mourning: A Guide for Those Who Grieve by Glen W.Davidson, Augsberg Publishers, 1984.

    In the words of the author, "this is a book for mourners about the work of overcoming the disorientation that follows the loss of a loved one. It is a testimony of both the pain of loss and the gift of new life". This is a guide for mourners and for the people who help them which focuses on (1) the development of healthy mourning practices (2) the identification of danger signs in the phases of mourning and (3) teaching mourners how to "tell their story" of death and sadness to release feeling and help put their lives back together. This is a book that deals with the loss of any loved one; however, it also explores some of the special issues concerning stillbirth.

35.  After Pregnancy Loss, by Mary Beth Franklin; Discipleship Resources, Nashville, Tennessee, 1988.

    This is a nice pamphlet written for grieving parents who have experienced a pregnancy loss, including stillbirth, miscarriage, or neonatal death.  It includes thoughts and feelings from other couples who have experienced a similar loss and gives helpful suggestions to help couples cope with the grieving process. 

36.  Making It Through The Toughest Days of Grief by Meg Woodson; Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 1994.

    An intimate account of how to ease the pain of death or divorce during particular events such as Christmas, your Birthday, Lonely Days etc. written by an award-winning writer, speaker and grief counselor who has experienced the deaths of her son and daughter with cystic fibrosis.  The unique, flowing, very personal style utilizes examples in order to give practical advice on grieving.  Because Ms. Woodson relies heavily on her Christian faith, her book may be most appropriate for those with similar beliefs; however, others may find this a useful and valuable resource as well.  

37.  Parting is not Goodbye, by Kelly Osmont and Marilyn McFarlane; Nobility Press, Portland, OR, 1986.

    The touching account of the relationship between a single mother and her teenage son, who lost his struggle for life following an accident, this beautifully told story describes the frustrations, emotions, and grief felt by the author during her son’s hospitalization and following his death.  The author also provides hope to those grieving the loss of a loved one, by sharing her experiences and how she has been able to cope with her son’s death.  Told from both a parental and a professional perspective (the author is a social worker and therapist), this story is particularly helpful in pointing out the supportive role that friends, loved ones, and professionals can have in the normal grief process. 

38.    Embracing Laura—The Grief and Healing Following the Death of An Infant Twin, by Martha Wegner-Hay; Centering Corporation, 1998.

          This very complete little book is remarkable for the true empathy, honesty and tenderness with which it is written.  If you know of anyone who has or will deliver multiples where one or more has died, it is to be highly recommended. The author writes of what happened after the prenatal diagnosis of twins in which one twin had a heart defect and cystic hygroma associated with Down syndrome, and the agonizing choice for selective reduction of the affected baby, whom they named Laura.  Embracing Laura is one family's story of how they learned to grieve and celebrate at the same time, following the prenatal death of their infant twin daughter and livebirth of their twin son. 

       Shared are the family's grief over having a wanted baby die, preparing for the delivery of both a liveborn and a stillborn baby, and parenting the surviving twin son David and older three year old daughter Christine. Suggestions are shared such as attending a birthing class for those who have had a previous loss, and writing a birth plan that includes specific actions for each baby.  While the author does discuss her struggle with her religious faith, the book does not have strong specific Christian overtones and would be helpful for anyone regardless of religious affiliation.  The different ways in which she and her husband grieved, what three year old Christine needed, and recognition that baby David also suffered a loss, are touched upon also. 

39.    Whispers from the Heart—A Collection of Poems and Thoughts Lovingly Written and Dedicated to All Our Babies.  SHARE Celebrates 20 Years — Circle of Compassion Conference, St. Louis, Missouri, October, 1997.

     Whispers from the  Heart is a collection of writings by parents and other family members whose baby died through miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death.  The collection includes poetry, memorials, journal entries and other forms of remembrances. 

     For bereaved families who find comfort in the written word, or for those who want to know they are not alone but don't have access to or would not feel comfortable in a support group, this booklet would be a good choice.  Not available for purchase, Whispers from the  Heart can be borrowed from the WiSSP lending library. 

40.  Letters to Sarah, by Jennifer Goins-Caufman.  www.hygeia.org <<special site found on table of contents page>>

     Ms. Caufman recently sent me a copy of her self-published, spiral bound book, Letters to Sarah, written after the stillbirth of her daughter on November 2, 1990.  The book is both a portrait of Ms. Caufman's own experience written side by side with general bereavement information for other bereaved parents.  Letters to Sarah from her mother are interspersed throughout, making the tone comfortable and personal.  The content includes typical information found in most resources — the stages of grief, guilt, siblings, and grandparents to name a few.      Two things make this resource special.  One is a dialogue between the author and a college friend, in which Ms. Caufman shares the pain when "family and friends have forgotten" or say "hurtful things in an attempt to be helpful."  Her friend writes of the sadness and helplessness she felt, and how her actions and words were not meant to be hurtful but unknowingly were.  The dialogue is honest and painful, but hopefully also helpful and healing. 

     The second exceptional feature of this book is that Ms. Caufman gradually shares that Sarah died as a result of a specific chromosome abnormality, Down syndrome.  Ms. Caufman encourages parents who have experienced the death of a baby to find answers to questions like the risk of recurrence, prenatal testing options if desired, if there is a risk for a birth defect compatible with survival what would life be like for that child and their family, etc.  These questions are more insightful than those asked by many health care providers (and appropriately answered by a genetic counselor or clinical geneticist).  This book might have a special connection for other parents whose child died as a result of a chromosome abnormality or other type of genetic disorder.  While there are minor errors in word usage (e.g. dislocation vs. translocation, genetic screening vs. testing, and lethal vs. harmful), the book is a very worthwhile resource.

     Letters to Sarah is not available in bookstores but is part of our lending library.  It is also on the internet (log on at www. hygeia.org and click to the table of contents).

41.  Angelic Presence, compiled by Cathi Lammert and Sue Friedrick.  Richard Paul Evans Publishing, Inc, 1997.  Order through SHARE, 1-800-821-6819.

     This is a collection of short stories submitted by families whose babies had died.  Among the stories there is a unifying theme, that each family felt, at times, an overwhelming sense of their baby's presence.  This 'angelic presence' was experienced through dreams, visions, recurring symbols or signs, or a simple sense that their baby was "there".  Another common thread was the comfort and hope that accompanied these experiences, and is quite powerfully shared in these writings. 

     It is noted in the early pages that the book is not meant to favor any particular "religious affiliation but rather accept many spiritual journeys."  And while this is literally true, I would reflect before recommending this book to someone for whom a religious faith is not a strong source of support.  I would also be cautious about recommending this as a book of comfort for anyone who has ended a pregnancy through elective abortion, since there are several stories from families who chose not to intervene in pregnancies when life-taking birth defects were identified, but no stories from families who did make such choices.